Spent most of yesterday trawling OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND.

Looking for short ones.
Toothbrush

Funny ones
Catcall shamers
Karaoke
To sleep

I know we’ve had some ups and downs over the years, and I accept responsibility for my part in it. I didn’t “get” you at first. I was cranky, a brat. I cried a lot, threw tantrums, refused to go to bed. I didn’t know how important you were. In my defense, I was also teething.
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I have given in to all your demands: I no longer consume caffeine. I bought a fancy new memory foam mattress (the one advertised on NPR). I take melatonin (and valerian root, glycine, ginkgo biloba, L-theanine, kava, and tart cherry juice). I grow lavender and make DIY lavender oil to spritz on my face. I sneak into my neighbor’s apartment to take a relaxing bath since I only have a shower.

I downloaded all the meditation apps and rotate through them nightly while doing breathing exercises and counting backward. I eliminated blue light from all my screens. I even banished the color blue from my life, except for the sky, but I try not to look up much.

I know routine is important to you. I go to bed at the same time every night, even if I have company. I tell them to enjoy themselves, there’s vodka in the freezer, and I go to bed because that’s what we agreed on.
I rub magnesium oil on the soles of my feet and leave a slimy trail on my way to the bathroom. I keep my bedroom cool. So cool that my dog has to wear her coat to sleep in it. And dark. So dark that I step on my dog every time I get up.

I use a blanket that’s weighted, very weighted. To get up, I have to shimmy my way out sideways and roll onto the floor. I do all of this for you and I wait. And wait. But you don’t show up. And when you do, you’re always late and you never stay. Is there an emergency slumber party somewhere? Is it someone else?

Looking to notice when exactly the joke lands.
Improv: This one has good escalation.

Not an open letter:
Egg Mayo Sandwich
Em dash
Times New Roman
En dash
Utilize: Punchline really lands.
NYT paywall