我怀念的

wǒ wèn wèi shén me nà nǚ hái chuán jiǎn xùn gěi wǒ
我 问 为 什 么 那 女 孩 传 简 讯 给 我
ér nǐ wèi shén me bù jiě shì dī zhe tóu chén mò
而 你 为 什 么 不 解 释 低 着 头 沉 默
wǒ gāi xiāng xìn nǐ hěn ài wǒ bú yuàn yì fū yǎn wǒ
我 该 相 信 你 很 爱 我 不 愿 意 敷 衍 我
hái shì míng bai nǐ yǐ bù xiǎng wǎn huí shén me
还 是 明 白 你 已 不 想 挽 回 什 么


xiǎng wèn wèi shén me wǒ bú zài shì nǐ de kuài lè
想 问 为 什 么 我 不 再 是 你 的 快 乐
kě shì wèi shén me què kǔ xiào shuō wǒ dōu dǒng le
可 是 为 什 么 却 苦 笑 说 我 都 懂 了
zì zūn cháng cháng jiāng rén tuō zhe bǎ ài dōu zǒu qū zhé
自 尊 常 常 将 人 拖 着 把 爱 都 走 曲 折
jiǎ zhuāng liáo jiě shì pà zhēn xiàng tài chì luǒ luǒ
假 装 了 解 是 怕 真 相 太 赤 裸 裸
láng bèi bǐ shī qù nán shòu
狼 狈 比 失 去 难 受


wǒ huái niàn de shì wú huà bù shuō
我 怀 念 的 是 无 话 不 说
wǒ huái niàn de shì yì qǐ zuò mèng
我 怀 念 的 是 一 起 做 梦
wǒ huái niàn de shì zhēng chǎo yǐ hòu
我 怀 念 的 是 争 吵 以 后
hái shì xiǎng yào ài nǐ de chōng dòng
还 是 想 要 爱你的冲动


wǒ jì dé nà nián shēng rì yě jì dé nà yì shǒu gē
我 记 得 那 年 生 日 也 记 得 那 一 首 歌
jì dé nà piàn xīng kōng zuì jǐn de yòu shǒu zuì nuǎn de xiōng kǒu
记 得 那 片 星 空 , 最 紧 的 右 手, 最 暖 的 胸 口
shuí jì dé, shuí wàng le
谁 记 得 , 谁 忘 了

xiǎng wèn wèi shén me wǒ bú zài shì nǐ de kuài lè
想 问 为 什 么 我 不 再 是 你 的 快 乐
kě shì wèi shén me què kǔ xiào shuō wǒ dōu dǒng le
可 是 为 什 么 却 苦 笑 说 我 都 懂 了
zì zūn cháng cháng jiāng rén tuō zhe bǎ ài dōu zǒu qū zhé
自 尊 常 常 将 人 拖 着 把 爱 都 走 曲 折
jiǎ zhuāng liáo jiě shì pà zhēn xiàng tài chì luǒ luǒ
假 装 了 解 是 怕 真 相 太 赤 裸 裸
láng bèi bǐ shī qù nán shòu
狼 狈 比 失 去 难 受


wǒ huái niàn de shì wú huà bù shuō
我 怀 念 的 是 无 话 不 说
wǒ huái niàn de shì yì qǐ zuò mèng
我 怀 念 的 是 一 起 做 梦
wǒ huái niàn de shì zhēng chǎo yǐ hòu
我 怀 念 的 是 争 吵 以 后
hái shì xiǎng yào ài nǐ de chōng dòng
还 是 想 要 爱你的冲动


wǒ jì dé nà nián shēng rì yě jì dé nà yì shǒu gē
我 记 得 那 年 生 日 也 记 得 那 一 首 歌
jì dé nà piàn xīng kōng zuì jǐn de yòu shǒu zuì nuǎn de xiōng kǒu
记 得 那 片 星 空 , 最 紧 的 右 手, 最 暖 的 胸 口
shuí jì dé
谁 记 得


wǒ huái niàn de shì wú yán gǎn dòng
我 怀 念 的 是 无 言 感 动
wǒ huái niàn de shì jué duì chì rè
我 怀 念 的 是 绝 对 炽 热
wǒ huái niàn de shì nǐ hěn jī dòng
我 怀 念 的 是 你 很 激 动
qiú wǒ yuán liàng bào dé wǒ dōu tòng
求 我 原 谅 抱 得 我 都 痛
wǒ jì dé nǐ zài bèi hòu
我 记 得 你 在 背 后
yě jì dé wǒ chàn dǒu zhe
也 记 得 我 颤 抖 着
jì dé gǎn jué xiōng yǒng
记 得 感 觉 汹 涌
zuì měi de yān huǒ
最 美 的 烟 火
zuì cháng de xiāng yōng
最 长 的 相 拥


shuí ài dé tài zì yóu
谁 爱 得 太 自 由
shuí guò tóu tài yuǎn le
谁 过 头 太 远 了
shuí yào zǒu wǒ de xīn
谁 要 走 我 的 心
shuí wàng le nà jiù shì chéng nuò
谁 忘 了 那 就 是 承 诺
shuí zì gù zì dì zǒu
谁 自 顾 自 地 走
shuí wàng le kàn zhe wǒ
谁 忘 了 看 着 我
shuí ràng ài biàn chén zhòng
谁 让 爱 变 沉 重
shuí wàng le yào gěi nǐ wēn róu
谁 忘 了 要 给 你 温 柔

ā / hū hū
啊 / 呼 呼

wǒ huái niàn de
我 怀 念 的
wǒ hái yǒu xiǎng yào ài nǐ de chōng dòng
我 还 有 想 要 爱 你 的 冲 动

wǒ jì dé nà nián shēng rì yě jì dé nà yì shǒu gē
我 记 得 那 年 生 日 也 记 得 那 一 首 歌
jì dé nà piàn xīng kōng zuì jǐn de yòu shǒu zuì nuǎn de xiōng kǒu
记 得 那 片 星 空 , 最 紧 的 右 手, 最 暖 的 胸 口

wǒ fàng shǒu, wǒ ràng zuò
我 放 手 , 我 让 座
jiǎ sǎ tuō
假 洒 脱
shuí dǒng wǒ duō me bù shě dé
谁 懂 我 多 么 不 舍 得
tài ài le, suó yǐ wǒ
太 爱 了, 所 以 我
méi yǒu kū, méi yǒu shuō
没 有 哭, 没 有 说

____

Nobody could stop crying while this song is playing.

Watchamightcallit

It has been a tiring few days. There is so much to process. But we’ve finally decided to take a break from talking and just let things pan out the way that they pan out.

It has been an exhausting few years. The cycle goes:
– I bring up something / a thing.
– I’m told this is not how I should feel / process things. That what I want is unrealistic, etc. My thoughts are invalidated by someone who thinks they know better. Who thinks that I should believe what they believe.
– We argue, or not. We say that we’d revisit or come back to it. We agree to vague promises such as “Taking one step at a time.” We ignore ultimatums. We make up. It gets swept under the carpet.
– It bothers me again eventually. > I bring it up. I’m told I should’ve brought it up earlier. That we need more time to process this because it has been sprung on some unsuspecting party.
– We give it time. We make up. We never come back to address it because the making up is interpreted to mean that the issue has resolved itself even though not enough has changed.
– I bring it up again. We talk in circles. You ask ridiculous, irrelevant questions that I either have no answers for or do not want to answer for fear of my answers being used against me in future, as they often have been over the years.

If you have trauma, so too do I.

You keep reminding me that not all days were bad. That there were good and bad days. I hope you can come to terms with the fact that, for me, this ratio of good:bad, and especially this trajectory, is not something I want to continue with.

It’s not my fault if I have never been taken seriously and always seen as an unrealistic, immature child whose values have been shaped by “Hollywood”. I feel compelled to document everything. Because: gaslighting. I’d bring things up only to be belittled and ignored, only to be blamed for not mentioning it earlier. Sometimes you even do a 180 on things that you have said to me. You convinced me that my memory was faulty, too many of them have gone unrecorded now. But you protested when I tried to record our Covid conversation. That was a clue.

Past conversations have gone:
– I want to be alone.
– You mean you want to sleep with other people.
– Not really, but if that is easier for you to understand, you can choose to see it that way.
– Isn’t that a slippery slope? Isn’t this the beginning of the end?
– And if it’s the beginning of the end, we should not be forcing it together with our physical proximity
– We need to let whatever happen happen. (Two years later, he says this as if he came up with it.)



Strawberry mint flowers

Sold my very first plant today. Just like the Corona, it sold within hours of listing. And then I went on to sell the Wilton rolling pin with thickness guides.

More importantly, there was a gymnastic milestone. I managed a side aerial on the tumble track without my hands. It is a first. It won’t be the last.

Freshly minted

Mints in the collection
Australian
Candy Mint
Colonel Kentucky
Golden Mint
Grapefruit
Orange Mint: sold as orange EDC
Nursery mint (It was just labelled mint)
Strawberry (a super star)
Swiss Mint (Ricola Mint)
Lime Mint

Mints that are not doing well
Basil
Lavender
Pineapple
Chocolate
Silver Mint
Bowles Mint

Jim Westerfield Mints
Fruit Sensation
Jessica Sweet Pear
Sweet Citrus
Iced Hazelnut
Marshmallow
Wild Berries

Japanese Mints
Japanese Candy
Japanese Menthol
Shunbi
Hokuto
Mojito

Mints that I want
Ginger Mint
Apple Mint
Brittany Patty Mint
Candy Pops

Mints that have died
Apple Mint
Water Mint
Kenyan Mint
Israel Mint
Tashkent